Something inside of me died quite a while ago. But it could come back. I could. T.
I’ve become a person, in many ways, much different than I used to be. And I’ve surprised even myself.
Today, someone at work called me a “suck-up employee” for putting months of hard work into something I believed in, that is, mounds of daily paperwork pertaining to a child who desperately needed an adult to speak up for him. She announced to the staff lounge that that was how I’d asked for a day off two weeks in a row… and gotten my way. Like the same old me I’ve always been, I explained my position with quickness and wit that the assailant was not prepared for. Unlike the old me however, I didn’t feel any further need to prove myself to her. Why should I? A person who sees exceeding expectations as a scarlett letter hardly piques my interests for future friendship. So I ate my lunch and declined to inform this well-spoken lady that I was actually missing work, to attend a funeral.
I could probably ramble on for a few paragraphs more, about the ironies you find within yourself as you grow up. But I won’t. Because I have a lot going on this week and the fact that I was able to be the bigger woman today has impressed me enough and so very unlike myself, I will just leave you with this.
Until next time…
I first started writing about tyrants… hate them. Then it was long lost friends… until I realized they don’t have to be so far away, really, if I reach a little. I thought I’d try my hand at boyfriend issues…but international fights can be difficult to triangulate and then of course the guilt seeped in.
So I turned off the TV. And cried a lot. Put on some music, and waited for a sign. I danced a little, got tired a lot. Tweeted at Mr. Conley, and brushed my teeth.
Faith. This blog ended up being about faith. Faith while tyrants sling demeaning comments (they actually believe they can rule over you). Faith, eventhough he promised to be there (and he literally never is). Faith, because wars don’t last forever, and because all of our tomorrows take root in today.
I am about faith, and all the little things I do on a night like this… are the things that keep me going, bring me back to being me. Faith included.
The past two nights I’ve been in and out of sleep and dream taken by thoughts of who, outside of family, I hold closest to my heart. And most of the people on my list have no idea, or have no idea anymore. I don’t know if they’d want to know but, I love you. I’ve always loved you.